Tuesday, May 24, 2011

Here We Go Again . . .

Kirstie is working out hard with DWTS and she's dropped a few dress sizes. 

Good for you Kirstie!

She says:  ". . . the other thing that’s really more significant to me — I mean, I love the whittling, I like being skinny — I’m really strong and really agile and it gave me a new life.”

How did it give you a new life K?

What exactly is different?  Your hair hasn't changed.  (You love your highlights, don't you?)

You've been skinny lots of times. 

Star Trek.
Look Who's Talking
Parker Stevenson
Jenny Craig

You've been fat lots of times too:

Fat Actress
Veronica's Closet
Post Parker Stevenson
Post Jenny Craig

The problem is, when you are fat, you behave as if you are somehow unworthy.  You kvetch to Star and People and whoever will talk to you about how "disgusting" you feel and how "ashamed" you are. 

Kirstie -- YOU BANGED PARKER STEVENSON.  Do you know how many women would have LOVED to be in your shoes?  You have a life.  A really, really cool life.  You have a cool life when you are skinny and you have a cool life when you are fat. 

We love you both ways.

Now, in DWTS, you are working out and feeling great.  I am so happy for you.  But this is not the answer to your happy life!  If it is, you will be derailed at your first injury.  Then we have to look at more tabloid covers about how miserable you are.  Your happiness depends on you, not your dress size.

By all means, stay strong.  Stay agile.  But for God's sake -- KEEP YOUR LIFE.  (It's ok to ditch the highlights tho.)


Monday, May 23, 2011

Looks like I Survived

Not only did the world not end, but I also finished Beach 2 Bay.  And lived.


The Beach 2 Bay was an incredible "Bucket List" type of experience.  I've run 5Ks before -- that alone is a challenge for me, but the Beach 2 Bay is a big deal.  There 2575 teams.  Multiply that by 6 people, and you have -- wait, lemme find my calculator -- 15,450 people running in Corpus Christi. 

My trainer Gabe was faster than 15,438 of them.  His team came in second over all.  He is awesome!  It took them just 2 hours, 21 minutes and 59 seconds to finish the race.

My friend Reena's team was faster than all but one of the women's teams.  She also is awesome.  Their team came in at 2 hours, 58 minutes and 23.6 seconds.

That means that two of my friends were done before I even got on the shuttle bus back to my car. 

My team, Victor's Grasshoppers, came in 697 out of 981 in our category.  That's in the top 71%!  Whoot!

The most difficult part of the event was not the running -- although I did walk more than I wanted to.  The most difficult part was the logistics.  I had to catch the shuttle between 5 & 6 am.  That's the middle of the night as far as I am concerned.  The race started at 7, I was finished at 8, and then had to wait another 2 hours to get a shuttle back to the car.  Then the shuttle was stuck in traffic for another hour and a half.  I didn't get home until 12:30pm. 

The waiting wouldn't have been so bad if we had access to shade and water.  We didn't.

Would I run it again?  Yes. 

Next year?  I'm gonna place in the top 690!

Friday, May 20, 2011

End of the World Tomorrow

So tomorrow's the end of the world. 

Except it's not because Jesus said that it's not for us to know the day or the hour and I totally believe Jesus and not some weirdo who has a radio show.

So it's not tomorrow. Probably.  Hell -- it might be in 15 minutes.  We don't know the day or the hour. 

If it IS tomorrow, I ask Jesus to let it end before I leave to run the Beach to Bay or wait until I get back.  I want to be with my kids and not a bunch of sweaty strangers. 

I probably should go to confession tonight, just in case.

Because I want to go to Heaven.

I am not kidding -- I really do.  I don't want to go now, but when it's time, that's where I want to be. 

I don't want to be one of the ones who stays behind to re-populate the world. 

For one thing, I am done having kids.  I mean it.  You really want to see the end of the world?  If I get pregnant again I swear to God I will go nuclear. 

For another thing, I am pretty sure after Armageddon all the grocery stores will be out of everything, and the a/c will be out all over the city.  I have enough of that after hurricane scares, I don't need it for eternity.

Finally, if I stay behind that means I will still have to turn in that damn report that's due next month and honestly?  The end of the world is looking pretty good to me if it means I don't have to do that stoooopid report.

Seriously -- I keep hearing this end of the world stuff.  People have been unsuccessfully predicting the end times. . .since the beginning of time. 

Don't worry about it.

Get yourself right with God.

Plan for your future, but live in the present.

The end will take care of itself.

Wednesday, May 18, 2011

Did You Know. . .

That today is http://www.giftoffat.com's/ birthday! 

To celebrate, I will eat a cupcake and let someone take a photo of me smashing it in my face. 

I originally concieved of The Gift of Fat as a book.   A New York Times Bestselling book.

My book will explore a fat girl's life.  (yeah -- that's never been done before. *snort*).

I have been fat all of my life.  A lot of people think that they are fat. In many cases, it's more of a self-perception than a concrete reality. Not that the fat feelings are any less significant, it's just that . . .well, it's different. In my case, everyone else knew I was fat too. How. . . .validating.

My book will be original because I will explain how I came to realize -- in my 30's -- that while being fat really really sucks, there are gifts associated with being fat.  No one ever talks about the gifts.

Gifts like devloping a quick sense of humor.  Developing a strong sense of justice.  A powerful work ethic and a thirst to prove that I can do anything a thin person can do.  Gifts like realizing that I stand out -- and if I wasn't fat, I would look just like everybody else.  Friendships.  Experiences.  Revelations.  Advocacy. The book will cover all of those things.

I started the blog to begin chapters of my book.  I thought I could just tie up all the blog posts in a shiny package and sell it to Penguin Books, who would publish it with great fanfare and retail it at $29.99 hardcover, $9.99 on Kindle. 

Turns out, the blog is not the book. 

Not that there won't be a book.  There will be.  I think.  The blog serves different, but important purposes.

I am a sucker for being the center of attention, and I love to make people laugh.  Much of this blog has been trying to make you laugh, which guarantees me a spot in the center of attention for a few minutes.

The blog is also about my journey.  My journey into fitness. . .and my newfound passion for working out.  I never expected to love excercise.  In fact, did I just write that I love excercise?  WTF?

I don't consider myself a "mommy-blogger", but I am a mom. . . so I write about it.

I never expected the blog to be relational.  Who knew you could make friends with people you've never met?  Turns out -- I have made cyber friends.  Nikki, Lex, Andi, Annabelle, plus my wonderful commenters (Hi Diane!).

Mostly, the blog helps me find my "voice".  Writing the blog has been a great experience.  I plan to continue.

For at least another year.

Monday, May 16, 2011

Scared Grasshopper

Remember when I started working out with Vic and I got kinda cocky and I'm all "I am going to run a 5K every month for a year!" ?

And I have *cough* "run" one 5 K a month since October 2010.

It's been great!  I've had lots of fun, got lots of T-Shirts and have beat my best more than once. 

This month is different.

This month is the 36th Annual Beach to Bay relay marathon.

I heard you gasp.   Don't worry -- It's a RELAY marathon.  I am not going to run it by myself. 

And that's what scares me to DEATH. 

I am running with five other people.  Five awesome people.  Our team is called Victor's Grasshoppers.  Isn't that a stooopid name?  I couldn't think of any other names.  I just kinda think of Victor as Master Po -- only not blind.  And we are like David Carradine. . .without the auto-erotic asphyxiation.  We're going to wear vivid green shirts.  And pink skorts.  Well, I am wearing a pink skort.  Don't know about the other guys.

I'm running the shortest. . .I mean first leg. 

Fear #1: Five other, awesome people are going to have to make up time for me.

It is the largest relay marathon in the US.  NO OTHER PLACE in our country has a marathon relay this big. 

Fear #2: What if I am SO SLOW that my relay partner gives up and goes home?

It's so big, we have to take a shuttle to the race.

Fear #3: What if I am so slow I miss the shuttle back home?

I am "running" the beach leg. 

Fear #4:  What if I am so slow that the Sexy Seniors running club kicks sand in my face as they pass me?

The beach leg is short, but it's on sand.  So it's challenging.

Fear #5: What if I am SO SLOW that the race is over by the time I pass the baton?

This Saturday, if you see a sweaty, sandy, slow, scared runner wearing a green T-Shirt and a pink skort -- that will be me.

OMG This is so sad!

Remember the other day, when I posted about Olivia?

THIS is what I was worried about.


I am so sorry for the boy and his family.

And even more worried about my sweet water baby.

Wednesday, May 11, 2011

Re-Post - Not all Fat Girls are Self Loathing Hoarders

Having bloggers block, so I thought I'd re-post an oldie titled Not All Fat Girls are Self Loathing Hoarders:

Yes Jillian Michaels, I am talking to YOU.

I've seen the previews for your new show.

I watched your intense kohl-lined eyes framed by perfectly tousled tresses stare into the pink, sweaty & makeup-free face of your "client". Whatever. I look just like that girl when I work out except I don't cry like an idiot. When I work out (2 miles yesterday thankyouverymuch!), my hair is back in a chongo (which is South Texican for ponytail. Awesome word, right??), I'm wearing glasses instead of contacts, and my face is bright red.

I watched the blonde, composed and beautifully made up doctor chastise the pink-faced crying girl about her weight. I heard her say something like "If you don't do something about this, you are going to have to make arrangements for someone else to take care of your kids!" Excuse me? She IS doing something about it. She's at the doctor. (I'll rant about doctors and weight loss in a minute).

Then I watched Jillian & her tight abs walk through a very cluttered room, while Pinkface sobs in the background.

That's the preview.

Can't wait to see the show.

Know what? I am not going to watch it. And I am going to ask you not to watch it.


Because as far as I can see, this show is about perpetuating the myth that one can only truly be happy when they are fit, thin and clutter free.

I am sure the pink faced crying girl is going to have a happy ending. I am sure she has real issues. And I know a lot of us feel like you do, Pinky. But you're not helping us by letting Jillian humiliate you publicly.

When Dr. Model chastises you, you need to look her calmly in the eye and say "I understand there are significant health implications. That's why I am here. I don't appreciate your condescending tone. I am not stupid."

I am sure that Dr. Model doesn't berate her other clients with chronic health conditions. I am sure her asthma patients aren't told that they have character issues because of their condition. Does she tell patients with eczema that they need to make arrangements to have someone care for their families? No. She treats them. With respect.

I asked my doctor (who is also beautiful, but not condescending) why she couldn't treat my weight like she would any other chronic illness. Know why? Insurance. So she sent me to Weight Watchers. The only way my weight can be treated by a physician is if I have gastric bypass surgery.

Is it just me, or is there something horribly wrong with a system that expects for-profit companies to treat an illness, and then when it doesn't work, they will pay to have a major organ amputated?

I'm not up for gastric bypass -- at least not now. But it would be better than having Jillian Michaels humiliate me in front of a TV Audience.


Is that show still on?? 

Isn't it funny that I obviously DON'T like J.M., but her ads pop up all over my blog? 

Great way to sell your shit, Jillian! (You know she has her name google-alerted) Oh, and Jillian?  Eat something.

Tuesday, May 10, 2011

Water Baby

We go to the beach a lot.  We love the beach.  This weekend, while at the beach, a little girl came by to play with the boys.   I love that about kids.  They see another kid & they just start to play together. 

And this girl is ADORABLE. She has beautiful cafe-con-leche skin; crazy, happy hair with a tiny blue barrette in it, and a precious pink gingham bikini.  This child was friendly and very charming. This is the kind of child that makes me wish (a tiny bit) that I had a little girl.

What she didn't seem to have were parents.

I asked where they were & she said "they are in the white car". . .I looked -- saw the white car, but no parents.

Her name is Olivia, and she is 3.

THREE. Almost 4, apparently, but still. She's 3.

The waves at Bob Hall Pier are not too bad, but it's very easy to get out too far without realizing it. Especially if you are 3.

My son is 3 and I won't let him NEAR the water without me or his dad. I won't let the 6 or 9 year olds near the water without me or their dad.

I have this thing about water safety. I think it is important.

I think that one of the duties a parent has is to ensure that children are safe around water.  Pools, lakes and beaches.  Beaches with strong undertows that can sweep a child out into the ocean as fast as you can say David Hasselhoff.

We could not see this girl's parents anywhere.

When it was time to go, I said "Olivia honey, we have to go. Let's go find your mommy, OK?"

She said "No -- I am going to find some other kids to play with" and she skipped over to another family playing not far away.

I approached the family and explained: "I don't know who she is, but I am going to call the ranger. Can you keep an eye on her?"  The Mom said "I thought she was yours".

I wish.

By the time I got to the car -- Viola! Her mother shows up.

Her mother looks just like you'd think she'd look. 19. Tramp Stamp. Piercings.  Gangster Boyfriend who obviously is not Olivia's daddy.  (How do I know?  Olivia is clearly half white and half black.  Gangster Boyfriend is clearly Hispanic.  Not Olivia's daddy.) 

It's not that I have a problem with moms being 19 with tramp stamps and piercings and Gangster Boyfriends. (well, the 19 & Gangster Boyfriend parts aren't cool). I do have a problem with letting your 3 year old play by the water without proper supervision.

Sigh. Poor Olivia.

Friday, May 6, 2011


I recently received this e-mail:

Hi K5 parents,
 Our babies are about to graduate out of kinder!!! Can you believe it??? I was just wondering if anyone knows if we can or if you all are interested in having them wear cap & gown for the awards ceremony?? i think [the public school] does it & i dont think [our school] has ever done it, but if we provide it for our child, i wonder if they will let us???? is anyone else interested?

Am I interested?   No.  Hell no. 

I know this mom is excited (many punctuation marks!!!).  Pesonally,  I would rather sit through a timeshare presentation than endure a kindergarten graduation.

That's just me, though.  (Me & my husband, actually)  I don't want to be unkind or intolerant.  I hope the reply I sent wasn't hurtful.  I didn't use CAPS or excessive punctuation or swear words.  I responded:

"Sorry to be un-fun guys, but L____ is not going to wear a cap & gown for Kinder.  It’s not something I can get behind."

I understand being excited for your little one.  They are babies.  They are cute.  They are precious.  I get that.  I also understand not everyone agrees with me that graduations are for High School and above. 

I have high expectations for my boys.  I expect them to finish Kindergarten much in the same way I expect them to brush their teeth before bed.  Frankly, I also expect them to finish high school and college.  I am not going to throw a party for him just because he was promoted to first grade.

Know when I throw a big party??

When my son becomes an Altar Server.  When he makes Eagle Scout.  When he finishes Boot Camp.  When he finishes the Seminary.  When he receives his doctorate.  I celebrate my sons' achievements, not their milestones. 

It's not to say that on the last day of Kinder that I won't take him to McDonald's.  (To get a Happy Meal and a toy!  Take that Leroy G. Comrie!)  We will have a nice family dinner after First Holy Eucharist and I am not opposed to throwing a birthday party every five years or so.  But a graduation ceremony for Kindergarten?

Hell no.

Tuesday, May 3, 2011

Look What I found!

Searching through my e-mail today, I came across a letter I once wrote to our local newspaper.  I wrote it on 5/2/2009.

You can tell by reading the letter that some douche bag named Charles wrote a letter to the paper saying something like:  "Fatties are fat.  They should just not eat so much.  They are stupid fat fatties."

I used to just ignore those mean bullying letters.  But then I started fighting back.  I actually thought that http://www.giftoffat.com/ would be a lot more about providing a voice for fat people and a lot less about pushups and kids.  The fact is, however, I can't keep up the anger 24/7. 

Some of my life is about getting angry at stupid, sanctimonious morons who vilify fat people.

Most of my life is about other things.

When I saw this, however, it rang as true as it did the day I wrote it. 

So now YOU get to read it!

Sent to Caller Times, May 2009:

In response to Charles C_________'s letter of 5/2 regarding obese people should ELF - Eat Less Food:  Duh.

As an obese woman for my entire life, the ELF strategy is used by most of us all the time. With the billion dollar diet industry, ELF takes many forms: the no carb diet, the grapefruit diet, Atkins, Weight Watchers, South Beach, the list gets larger every year. The result: metabolic chaos. I am sorry that Mr. C_________ was "horrified recently" to learn that obesity causes a slew of health problems. Fat people have known this forever. Obesity also causes social and psychological problems -- frequently triggered by ignorant individuals who think that the solution to our medical issues is simple: ELF. The letter is made even more insulting by the tacky cartoon above it which shows the US flag cracking under the weight of an obese person.

Obesity is not a character flaw. It is a medical condition that can sometimes -- but not always -- be controlled by various strategies. When I was a girl, I was the only fat kid in class. Now all the kids are fat. The only upside to this sad situation is that the public is finally waking up to the fact that obesity is a chronic medical condition that needs to be addressed at all levels. Hopefully, the insurance industry will follow suit and begin to pay for reasonable medical intervention before the patient resorts to drastic measures such as gastric bypass or lap band.

It's no fun to be fat. I'll bet it's not fun to have asthma either. Chronic medical conditions don't have simple solutions. Let's stop being so condescending.

Mary A.
Corpus Christi