Two Surprising Facts About Me

I am going to share two facts about myself that seem to surprise people:

1. I don't drink alcohol
2. I'm not into "adult" items.

For some reason, both these facts seem to surprise the hell out of people.

I get the booze confusion.  I used to drink, and there are lots of hysterical stories about my antics.  Like the time I was on a crowded dance floor at the Company Christmas Party and decided it would be fun to pull my dress over my head.  That was in 1996 and they are STILL talking about it. 

I started drinking when I was about 15.  I stopped drinking when I had kids.  After #2 was born, I started having massive anxiety attacks.  They put me on meds and I am afraid to mix them with alcohol.  Also, alcoholism runs in my family and I choose not to expose my children to an alcoholic mom.  Besides, after 20+ years of drinking, what new experiences are there?  Everybody's already seen my underwear.

I am not bothered to be around other people who drink.  If anything, I am surprised at how much fun I still have at parties.  I'm happy to be the designated driver.

As far as not being into ahem. . . "adult" items:  I guess I deserve your skepticism. 

I swear a lot.  I am the queen of the double entendre.  I swoon over dreamy men. I flirt with priests.  I know some dirty jokes.  Lots of 'em.  If you ask me the secret to a happy marriage, I will gargle.

But show me a dirty picture and I will cover my eyes. 

If there is a stripper at a bachelorette party, I will leave. 

The only toys at my house are the ones my kids play with.

It's just not my thing.

Maybe if I started drinking again. . . .

Nah.