If You Were Me

And someone gave you a generous gift certificate to a salon, what would you have done?

Toes -- obviously.  My feet are so in need of a pedicure that I am snagging my sheets.

But what else?

Can't be hair, because I only trust Kasey with the Red. 

Massage? 

I've never had that done.

Brazilian?

Never had that done either.

I hear good things about both.  I hear all the time about how WONDERFUL they are and how you FEEL SO GREAT afterwards and all I can think is: 

Someone besides my husband or OB/GYN will be touching my fat and/or touching me in my girl parts. 

Ummmm. . .No.

Yes I am an enlightened, fun, confident fat girl. 

Yes I have lots (and lots) of wild before-I-met-my-husband stories.

No I don't want anyone touching me.

I have a space bubble.

Unless I married you or gave birth to you, you are not allowed in the bubble.  (And if anyone knows a way to keep the people I gave birth to out of the bubble, I'd love to hear it.)

Anyone?  Anyone?