True Colors

I love red.

I wear it a lot.

I also wear a lot of black, camel and navy.

Red, Black, Camel & Navy are classics.  Audrey Hepburn wore these colors.  So did Jackie Kennedy and Coco Chanel. 

Stopping by my local Macy's the other day, I perused the business wear section.  I always start with the sale racks.  Know what's in the size 20 section at Macy's?

Yellow suits.

Green suits.

Pink suits.

PINK SUITS.  Shell pink.  Not Rose.  Not Magenta. Not even Carnation Pink.  Shell Pink.  Exactly the color of my skin.  I should say, exactly the color of the skin that has never been exposed to the sun.  Shell Pink sounds so much nicer than "Mary's Ass Pink", don't you agree? 

Were I to don one of these suits, I would appear to be naked.  And not a good naked, either.

Could I find anything in black?  No. 

Navy?  No.

Camel?  No.

Red?  No.  Oh wait -- here's something. 

It has sequins on it. 

Since I am not a Vegas performer, I rarely wear sequins to work.  I looked at the label half expecting it to be from the Liberace line.  Sequins.

I found suits with lots of embroidery.  Us plus size girls LOVE to look like couch cushions, lemme tell ya!  We also like clothes with anchors embroidered on them.  It makes us feel nautical. 

It's not that the suits weren't nice.  They would be lovely on a 70 year old African American woman headed to church. 

The problem is, I need something for a 45 year old Irish American woman headed to work.

I have purchased these suits before.

One year, I found a very conservative skirt suit.  The cut was good -- shawl collar and straight skirt.  The skirt was black, the jacket was. . .Kelly green.  With a black collar and cuffs.  It was about $30, which is a good price for a fully lined suit. 

So I bought it.

I wore it.

I felt like Janet Reno. 

I looked like Janet Reno (without the wash & wear hair).

I gave the suit to Goodwill.

Some designers do create attractive, classic plus size clothes.  Talbot's has a gorgeous plus size line.  So does Jones of New York.  The problem is, I have Talbot's taste and a Target budget.

So if you see  me tooling around in a pink suit?

Shaddap.  I got it on sale.

matching shoes & clutch.  Oh yeah.

It's Fall!

More accurately, it's Autumn.

I love Autumn.

Even here where it tends to be steamy.

Plus my favorite color is Orange.

So the Blog gets a new look.

Hope you like it!

Mea Culpa

Who is the one always harping about paying cash and staying within your budget?

Me.

Who is the one who does almost everything Dave Ramsey says?

Me.  (Except the private school thing.)

Who is scared to go home and tell her husband that she impulse shopped?

Me.

I budgeted for new workout clothes, because I really do need them.  So I bought them last week.  I also bought a long tweed skirt, a pair of boots and a handbag. 

They weren't budgeted.

I need to take them back.

I haven't yet. 

Then today.

I can't believe what I did today.

I am so embarrassed.

My friend, who works at Talbot's, texted me.  She said she had a 20% off deal for me.  So I went.  Just to look.  Not to buy.

I love Talbot's clothes.  Classic, preppy and very high quality.  And when on sale, they can be a good deal. 

I tried on a black silk turtleneck.  Because I don't have one, and really?  A black turtleneck is a staple that you can wear for years. 

The turtleneck looked sooooooooooo good on me. 

So did the black twinset.

And so when she offered to special order the red cable knit turtleneck for me, how could I refuse?  I need a red cable knit turtleneck.  I do!

Plus, she gave me a 10% discount PLUS the 20% discount.  That's like . . .30% off!

With 30% off, the bill was only $180.00.  For four things (well, five - the twinset is two things). 

I don't know which I dread more: telling Greg what I did, or having to face Kelly when I return everything.

Sigh.

Dave Ramsey have mercy on me!

This story is also true. ..

Everyone liked the story about Paul pulling my pants down at mass so much, that I thought I would share another (true) wardrobe story with you.

One morning, as I was getting ready for the day, my collar was kinda wonky. So I asked Greg to straighten it for me.

Then I loaded the kiddos in the car & drove to their School. (Which, incidentally, happens to be at the same church where I mooned everyone).

My younger boy had to be walked to class, which is all the way in the back of the school.

I love that school. I have so many mom friends there.

As we were walking in, I saw Melissa. I had to stop & chat with her for a sec. Then I saw Cyndi. Had to talk to her. Monica came by to say hi and we chatted for a sec. Then I had to pop in to tell the Principal something. Olivia caught me on the way out of the Principal's office to give me the t-shirt that I paid for but hadn't picked up. Mary & her husband Terry were in the hallway -- they had just returned from Chicago and of course I HAD to know if they got to Portillos for an Italian Beef.

I ran into Sister in front of her classroom -- you are not allowed to walk by a nun without stopping to say hello.

Finally, my little one and I get to his classroom.

I put his lunch away, bend over to kiss him and start to leave.

I see Erika walking in with her little guy. I say "Hey girl!"

She says "Hi! Why is your blouse inside out?"

No wonder my collar was wonky.



When I asked my husband why he didn't tell me -- because he FIXED MY COLLAR, how could he not notice? -- he said "well I don't know anything about women's fashion."

Fashion? Are you kidding me? Do you really think that the in look for all of us plus size middle aged moms is wrong-side-out clothes? Cause we're making a statement, yo.

I'm going to go update my closet right now!

HGTV, I wish I could quit you. . .

I am a reasonably intelligent person. I know TV is. . . well, it's TV. I knew that Seinfeld's New York was more fantasy than fact. I knew the Friends couldn't afford their Manhattan apartment given their career choices. (Barista? Are you kidding me? A Barista can't afford an apartment in Syracuse much less Manhattan). I know that the wives in Something About Jim and King of Queens have better looking husbands in real life.

So WHY do I believe HGTV?

It all started on Designed to Sell when Tanya (or maybe it was Lisa. . .but I think it was Tanya) made a darling little bedside table out of a $10 drink tray. Adorable, chic, and cheap!!!!!!!!

I have been looking for chic yet cheap bedside tables. A few years ago, we got a great deal on a couple of bureaus. They are espresso with nickle accents. (Cheapo laminate, but by the time they look cheap, I'll want something new anyway).

The bureaus were affordable, but the coordinating nightstands just seemed too pricey. Maybe I just have a problem spending a lot of money on something that will never hold more than a lamp, a book, and a box of kleenex.

So when I saw Lisa's (or was it Tanya's?) cute idea, I had to try it.

I found 2 beautiful silver-tone trays to make into nightstands. They coordinate perfectly with the nickle accents on the furniture.

But they don't "pop" against the white wall.

So. . . .I had to paint.

I had to. What is the point of making adorable bedside tables if they don't pop?

And, as long as I am painting the bedroom -- just an accent wall, mind you -- I probably should repaint the bath. And ditch the cheap stainless etagerie I put in there a few years ago. It was cute for about six months, then it rusted like a Chevette on blocks.

My bath has that faux-wainscot look -- sage about 3/4 up the wall, then cream on the top & ceiling. Cute, except I believed Dutch Boy when he promised "One Coat Coverage". So now, a few years later -- we need to repaint.

Maybe "need" is too strong a word.

But, as they say on HGTV, paint is cheap & easy to change.

The paint is cheap. The dropcloth, brushes, rollers, tray, primer and blue tape? Each item is cheap -- except the blue tape. I paid $7 for a roll of tape? I don't spend $7 on Greg's Valentine's gift.

As far as easy to change? It's not too difficult, if you don't look too closely at the finished project. That crisp blue-tape line? Don't know how they do it. Also, I can tell where I "cut in" and where I rolled. And my second coat may have missed a few spots.

Also, the tee shirt & cropped jeans I am wearing are now splattered with tiny blue splatters. I didn't like that look in the '80's -- I sure don't need to wear it now.

I haven't put the nightstands up. But it will have to wait until after Design on A Dime.

Chutzpah or Humiliating. . .I can't decide

Dance Your Ass Off is in a new season & I really can't decide.

Is it a positive, empowering show featuring confident, beautiful, fat people moving their bodies and defying what society says about what fat can do?

Or is it a humiliating Lose-Weight-Or-You-Are-A-Loser show vis-a-vis Jillian Michaels?

I suspect it's a little of both.

I LOVE to dance. LOVE it! LOVE IT!

Seriously -- you should see me at Zumba. I'm all Christina Aguilera. I love to pretend I'm a Solid Gold dancer. (if you weren't born between 1965 & 1970, don't even try to get that reference. It's too obscure.) Dancing brings me joy.

It also makes my face red & I get all sweaty.

My first Zumba class one of the older ladies in the class looked at me & said "Ay! Mija! Your face is so red -- you bedder sit down or you gonna have a heart attack!"

No ma'am. I'm just Irish.

The people on Dance Your Ass Off look just like me. Mostly. (Some are African-American. Some are tattooed. Some are boys. But other than that? Twins.) They dance. With joy. They move, they are confident, they are sexy, they are graceful, they are vibrant, they are artistes.

Then they get weighed.

WTF?

Do Simon & Randy WEIGH their contestants?

Here's where the cool dance contest turns into Mean Girls. I guess nobody would watch a bunch of fat people dance unless they promised to weigh themselves on National TV first. Then this Downtown Julie Brown wannabe announces their weight, tabulates their score and gives them their ranking. And if they don't lose lots & lots of weight?

They lose.

People on this show were losing 6, 7, 8, 9 & 10 lbs. In a week! One girl lost 0.9 & was treated as if she had just cut a fart.

I have a problem with this on so many levels.

One: Anyone with chronic obesity can tell you that a healthy eight loss is NO MORE than 2 lbs per week. More than that and you run into all sorts of health problems with your liver, gall bladder and other internal organs. But, as my wonderful husband said: "The TV Execs don't care if it kills them, they just want ratings".

Two: Weighing in public.

I know I am a beautiful, proud, fat woman who isn't afraid to own my size 24. But you never see me put my weight on here, do you? No. Nuh uh. Nope. You never will.

Hell, I moved to Texas partly because they don't put your weight on your driver's licence.

My husband doesn't know the number. I won't say it in confession. My girlfriends don't know it, I won't tell my children, and I certainly would never get on national television and let Mean Julie Brown announce it to the world. Partly because it embarrasses me, and partly because I don't want it to define me.

So I am conflicted. Is Dance Your Ass Off a good thing? Or Not?

Whaddya think?

Sorry I haven't posted in a while!

I was out of town.

Working.

And maybe shopping (a little).

There is an "Outlet Mall" halfway between Austin & San Antonio. We all know that there is rarely anything "outlet" about "outlet malls" but that doesn't keep me from stopping.

I WISH I had photos of the 100% silk dress I got at Jones of New York for $10! Or the LINED suit -- $45! And the white patent leather open toe pumps -- $19!

Did I say white? I meant cream. I mean bone.

OK. You caught me. I bought white pumps.

I SWORE up & down I would never buy white pumps. They're so. . .tacky.

My friend Christy & I used to amuse ourselves for hours by people guessing the profession based on the outfit.

Shapeless grey suit, no makeup & flats? Attorney. Maybe accountant.

Loose t-shirt, broomstick skirt and birkenstocks? Teacher.

Dockers & an oxford? Engineer.

And our favorite? Big hair, black hose, white pumps. RECEPTIONIST!

Now Christy is a stay at home mom. She still looks like a million bucks. And her clothes are very casual. . .but so pulled together.

And I bought a pair of white pumps.

But they're CUTE pumps.

And I PROMISE not to wear them with black hose.

Dressing Up

Ever the typical American woman, there's always something to be dissatisfied about my looks.

I've come to terms with my size and I hope to speak for others who aren't here yet. There is something about my appearance that bothers me though. It's shallow of me. I shouldn't care. But when it's time to dress up, look pretty or go out on the town, I admit it still bothers me.

We went to a wedding last night.

I haven't had a chance to dress up -- I mean REALLY dress up -- in a long time. So I was excited about getting out the Little Black Dress, doing my hair & makeup & donning sparkly accessories.

But as I dressed, my inadequacy seemed more pronunced than usual.

You see, I am flat.

If I wasn't a size 24, I'd look like an ironing board. I must be the only size 24 in the world who can get away with a B cup. Hell, my Dad has bigger boobs than I do.

And some outfits -- my LBD, for example -- look better with cleavage. Sigh. I felt like a gawky adolescent getting ready for her first dance.

After being happily married for almost 18 years and having 3 children, it's ridiculous to feel inadequate about my figure. No one will be looking at me anyway. So I rallied myself and did what I did when I got ready for my first dance.

I got out a couple of pairs of tube socks.

And I had cleavage at the wedding.

Classy & Fabulous

"A girl should be two things: classy and fabulous."
-- Coco Chanel

One of the greatest things about the Obesity Epidemic we have in the U.S. is that finally -- finally -- fashion is catching up with us. I have long held the position that if a size 6 wouldn't wear it, I won't wear it.

Once -- not too long ago -- I needed a basic tank to wear under a blouse. Basic. No lace. No sequins. No embroidery. (Tell me again why clothing manufacturers think that anyone over a size 12 wants to look like a Persian rug?). I truly didn't care to schlep all the way to the mall. So I popped into a boutique around the corner.

First shop:

"Do you carry plus sizes?"

"Sorry! No, we don't." (Then I can't spend my $$$ here.)

Next shop:

"Do you carry plus sizes?"

"We carry them through our catalogue!" (That helps me not at all.)

Next shop:

"Do you carry plus sizes?"

"No, dear. We only go up to size 12"

"Really? Then where do you buy your clothes, Dear?" (Bitch, if you want to get in a pissing contest with me, then you'd better drink more Evian.)

Last shop:

(Slightly desperate tone) "Do you carry plus sizes?"

"Not officially, but what do you need? I am sure we can find something to fit you!"

And THAT is why I love Chico's.

Thanks to Talbot's Woman, Macy's Woman, Cato's and the Internet, I can generally find cute size 24 clothes. Now, if Maternity Wear manufacturers would get on the bandwagon.

Why is it that they make maternity clothes for 14 year olds, but not for plus sizes?? Because the manufactures think we don't do it.

Well we do. I did it at least 3 times. (hey -- my mom reads this blog). And unlike 14 year olds, many of us are actually prepared to have children, and have set aside money to pay for things like maternity clothes. And, unlike 14 year olds, many of us have jobs. In offices. We need work clothes. (When I was expecting my second son all I could find was these floaty hippy-dippy blouses. Cute, but not very corporate). I'm hoping and praying with all my size 24 heart that I won't have to shop for maternity clothes again. I'm just saying.


Maternity aside, some manufacturers still have not seen the light. Why on earth would somthing like this be for sale in this day & age?









Don't tell me it's for comfort. That what sweatpants are for. These dresses say "Paris Schmaris -- I get my fashion inspiration from Samoa!"



Of course, it is possible to go too far the other way. As evidenced by this number from Ruby Rox at Macy's:

I swear I wore this dress in 1989 at a formal on Catalina Island. I was 23. I was a size 14, not a 24. Somebody threw up all over it (might have been me) and it was hell getting the puke out of all those pouffs.


But these dresses. . . ..

Cute. And Size 24. (Alfani, Michael Kors and DKNYC all at Macy's!)

Classy and Fabulous.