Spring Broken

I'm having writers block again, so I am just going to tell you about my spring break so far.  I work at a college, which means that I get a week off for spring break! 

I LOVE having a week off for spring break! 

Today I slept until 9, ate a bagel in front of the TV, and played Angry Birds with the boys.
I'm wearing a really old sweatshirt, shorts and chanclas (flip flops).  I have no makeup on, my hair is in a chongo (ponytail) and my glasses are on.  I should go to Wal-Mart so someone can surreptitiously snap a photo of me on their phone and post it to facebook with the caption "Seriously?".

Spring break is great.

Of course the kids have spring break too.


Some moms take advantage of Spring Break to take their kiddos on exciting field trips to explore their environment. 

Not me!

I spend spring break catching up on facebook and doing laundry.  And watching TV.  We're watching a lot of cartoons. A LOT of cartoons. And Nick. And Cartoon Network. And Disney Channel.

In case you were wondering, the New Scooby Doo sucks as bad as you think it would.  But Good Luck Charlie and Shake It Up are really good.  Fairly Odd Parents is horrible, but Phineas & Ferb is awesome.  Johnny Test reeks, but Regular Show is fresh and funny.  Star Wars the Clone Wars is dreadful (even though Luke loves it), but Adventure Time is charming.

At this rate, by the time Spring Break is over, we will be a house full of neanderthals.

Then we'll go to Wal-Mart!

Re-Post - Not all Fat Girls are Self Loathing Hoarders

Having bloggers block, so I thought I'd re-post an oldie titled Not All Fat Girls are Self Loathing Hoarders:



Yes Jillian Michaels, I am talking to YOU.


I've seen the previews for your new show.

I watched your intense kohl-lined eyes framed by perfectly tousled tresses stare into the pink, sweaty & makeup-free face of your "client". Whatever. I look just like that girl when I work out except I don't cry like an idiot. When I work out (2 miles yesterday thankyouverymuch!), my hair is back in a chongo (which is South Texican for ponytail. Awesome word, right??), I'm wearing glasses instead of contacts, and my face is bright red.

I watched the blonde, composed and beautifully made up doctor chastise the pink-faced crying girl about her weight. I heard her say something like "If you don't do something about this, you are going to have to make arrangements for someone else to take care of your kids!" Excuse me? She IS doing something about it. She's at the doctor. (I'll rant about doctors and weight loss in a minute).

Then I watched Jillian & her tight abs walk through a very cluttered room, while Pinkface sobs in the background.

That's the preview.

Can't wait to see the show.

Know what? I am not going to watch it. And I am going to ask you not to watch it.

Why?

Because as far as I can see, this show is about perpetuating the myth that one can only truly be happy when they are fit, thin and clutter free.

I am sure the pink faced crying girl is going to have a happy ending. I am sure she has real issues. And I know a lot of us feel like you do, Pinky. But you're not helping us by letting Jillian humiliate you publicly.

When Dr. Model chastises you, you need to look her calmly in the eye and say "I understand there are significant health implications. That's why I am here. I don't appreciate your condescending tone. I am not stupid."

I am sure that Dr. Model doesn't berate her other clients with chronic health conditions. I am sure her asthma patients aren't told that they have character issues because of their condition. Does she tell patients with eczema that they need to make arrangements to have someone care for their families? No. She treats them. With respect.

I asked my doctor (who is also beautiful, but not condescending) why she couldn't treat my weight like she would any other chronic illness. Know why? Insurance. So she sent me to Weight Watchers. The only way my weight can be treated by a physician is if I have gastric bypass surgery.

Is it just me, or is there something horribly wrong with a system that expects for-profit companies to treat an illness, and then when it doesn't work, they will pay to have a major organ amputated?

I'm not up for gastric bypass -- at least not now. But it would be better than having Jillian Michaels humiliate me in front of a TV Audience.

*******UPDATE***********

Is that show still on?? 

Isn't it funny that I obviously DON'T like J.M., but her ads pop up all over my blog? 

Great way to sell your shit, Jillian! (You know she has her name google-alerted) Oh, and Jillian?  Eat something.

Disadvantaged

I have a confession to make. 

This is so embarrassing.

I have never seen The Bachelor.

I've never seen Brothers & Sisters either. 

Or Jersey Shore.  Or Real Housewives of Anywhere.  I've never seen Law & Order or Larry the Cable Guy.  I've never even seen Sex in the City.  (Well, I've seen the movies.  But not the show.)

It's not that I don't watch TV.  I totally do.  I've seen a lot of iCarly (which we hate and won't let the kids watch any more.).  I've seen all the episodes of the Suite Life on Deck, and most of the Ghost Hunters.  I've watched Top Shot, Chopped and Pawn Stars.

I watch what the boys want to watch.

I live with four males and one TV.

I don't want another TV.  Another TV would just mean husband in one room, kids in the other.  And Mom still doesn't get to watch any girl shows.

I wouldn't care, except that I am missing some key Pop Culture references.  I love pop culture. 

So. In an effort to regain ground with my contemporaries,  I need your help.  What is the ONE show that every middle income woman aged 35-50 must watch?

Together, we can overcome this horrible deficiency.

Well sit right down and hear a tale, a tale of a fateful trip. . .

We have all three seasons of Gilligan's Island on DVD. My kids love Gilligan. He's hilarious.


I spent much of my childhood watching Gilligan's Island re-runs.  It totally shaped my world view.

I thought Ginger Grant was the epitome of femininity.  She was so glamorous.  She was beautiful. She had red hair.  She had sex appeal. She also had those stabby-stabby long nails. Mary Ann did too, but Ginger's were stabbier than Mary Ann's.

I didn't know then that most guys thought Mary Ann was the hot one.  They thought Ginger was a skank.

Because she totally was.  I just didn't know.

Watching the show again after soooo many years, I find myself wondering:

1. In every episode, Ginger used her "sex appeal" to get the men to do whatever it was she wanted them to do, but it never worked.  Why didn't she ever try something else? 

2. Were Gilligan and Mary Ann stoned in every episode, or just the ones where Mary Ann made coconut cream pies? 

3.  How come Ginger, Mary Ann & the Howells change their clothes all the time, but Gilligan, the Skipper and the Professor always wear the same thing?

4. There are 2 kinds of episodes:  one where they have a plan to get rescued, but fail; and one where they face certain doom that never materializes.  Why didn't they just realize that the Professor doesn't know what the hell he was talking about?

5.  How come no one is tan?

6. How come everyone is always clean-shaven -- both men and women?

7. Who hooked up with who?

8.  How come the Howells don't have any kids?

9. How did Mary Ann & Ginger handle their monthlies?  They always seem so spring fresh.

10. Why was the skipper still fat after eating nothing but fruit for 3 seasons?  That would totally be me.

Cold Mornings and Charlie Brown

I planned to write about how I had to pull myself out of bed this morning to go to Vic's Momentum class.  I was going to whine about how hard it was.  I was going to bitch about how I had to leave my warm bed, where my almost-3-year-old was snuggled against me. 

I put the kids in front of the TV so I could write.  Charlie Brown is on.  I love Charlie Brown.   My favorite is Charlie Brown Thanksgiving where snoopy makes the toast and then accidentally toasts his ear.  My second favorite is on It's The Great Pumpkin Charlie Brown and Snoopy pretends to be a WWI ace shot down behind enemy lines in France.  I love that. 

My all time favorite, however, is on  Charlie Brown Christmas when all the kids sing Hark the Herald Angels Sing around Charlie Brown's tree.  Admit it.  You just hummed a little to yourself didn't you?

I have been listening to the show the kids are watching so I can come in on my favorite parts.  They aren't watching a real Charlie Brown.  They are watching Snoopy Come Home. 

Snoopy Come Home sucks.

Anyway.  It was cold this morning.  I'm gonna go rescue my kids from that crappy show.

I Hate The Brady Bunch

I really hate The Brady Bunch. 

Yes, I own all six seasons on DVD. 

I still hate them.

Reason number 1:  My middle name is Marcia.

You just thought "MARCIA! MARCIA! MARCIA!" didn't you?

Marcia is a nice name.  I was named after my aunt.  She was stylish, witty and fun.  She was chic, well read and worldly.

And then stoopid Marcia Brady comes along and takes my chic middle name and turns it into a joke.  "Something suddenly came up".  Right.

Reason number 2: My husband's name is Greg.

Do I really need to finish that joke?

Reason number 3: The Brady Bunch LIES!

Lie 1:  six kids share one bathroom.
Lie 2:  You know that grass is AstroTurf, right?  Greg isn't really mowing it.
It's Lie 3 that gets me.  Lie 3 is HUGE!  ( and no -- it's not that Mike & Carol were in a platonic marriage.  Who cares about that anyway?)

Lie 3: Architects cannot really afford a custom home AND a stay-at-home-wife AND a live in maid.

Architects can't afford a custom home OR a stay-at-home-wife OR a live in maid.

I know, because I married an architect.

Honestly, I don't really want a custom home.  My house is nice.  I am very happy with it. 

I have no desire to be a stay-at-home-wife.  Especially if the kids have to stay at home too.

But the live in maid?  That hurts. 

I would do anything to have an Alice.  I wouldn't even make her eat in the kitchen or off by herself when they camp or any of the mean things they do to Alice.  I wouldn't make Alice ask permission to go on dates with Sam.  And I would be very happy to have her cousin Emma come stay with us.  Hell, I'll take Emma and all her butch Army ways instead of Alice. 

I love my architect.  A lot. 

But I sure could use an Alice.

Monkee Mad. . .

When I was a kid, I watched reruns of the Monkees every day. Every day I would decide which one of them to love that day.

Don't call me that bad name that rhymes with door because I was only 10. Geesh.

I loved the Monkees' music.

I still love the Monkees' music.

Remember this song, sung by dreamy Davy Jones with his darling cockney accent:





I wanna be free
Like the Bluebirds flying by me
Like the waves out on the blue sea
If your love has to tie me, don't try me,
Say goodbye

I wanna be free
Don't say you love me, say you like me
But when I need you beside me,
Stay close enough to guide me, confide in
Me
ohhhh ohhhhhh oh

I wanna hold your hand
Walk along the sand
Laughing in the sun
Always having fun
Doing all these things
Without any strings
To tie me down

I wanna be free
Like the warm September wind babe
Say you'll always be my friend, babe
We can make it to the end, babe
Again babe, I gotta say
I wanna be free
I wanna be free
I wanna be freeeeeeeee

Words & Music by Boyce & Hart.

I loved this song. My pre-pubescent self would ardently promise: "I'd never tie you down Davy! I know you need to be free! Don't worry Davy! We can make it Davy!"

Forget that Davy Jones is almost exactly 20 years older than me. (I googled it. He is 19 years and 360 days older than me). Forget that he was (is) an inch shorter than me. (Googled that too). I thought he was DREAMY! And truth be told, I think he aged pretty well.

When I heard that song recently, my old crush came flooding back to me.

Then I paid attention to the words.

You wanna be free? WTF? What do you mean I'm supposed to say "I like you", not "I love you"? So I'm supposed to stay close enough to guide you, but not let my love tie you down? How exactly am I tying you down, Davy?

Oh.... I get it.

You want all the benefits of being a boyfriend without all the responsibilities.

You want me to keep my Sundays open, but you don't want to have to visit my parents.

You want to go to the movies, but you decide what we see.

You want me to get you a Christmas present, but you don't want to have to buy one for me.

YOU WANT THE BOOTY CALL BUT YOU WANT ME TO LEAVE WHEN YOUR FRIENDS COME OVER! IS THAT IT? THAT'S IT, ISN'T IT, DAVY??!! DAVY!!! DAVY!!!!!!!!

YOU BASTARD!


Seriously though. Seriously. How many other totally misogynistic love songs are out there that perversely shaped our view of a healthy relationship?

Think about it. "I Wanna Be Free" Is just a generation ahead of "My baby's Momma".

Coincidence?

I don't think so.

HGTV, I wish I could quit you. . .

I am a reasonably intelligent person. I know TV is. . . well, it's TV. I knew that Seinfeld's New York was more fantasy than fact. I knew the Friends couldn't afford their Manhattan apartment given their career choices. (Barista? Are you kidding me? A Barista can't afford an apartment in Syracuse much less Manhattan). I know that the wives in Something About Jim and King of Queens have better looking husbands in real life.

So WHY do I believe HGTV?

It all started on Designed to Sell when Tanya (or maybe it was Lisa. . .but I think it was Tanya) made a darling little bedside table out of a $10 drink tray. Adorable, chic, and cheap!!!!!!!!

I have been looking for chic yet cheap bedside tables. A few years ago, we got a great deal on a couple of bureaus. They are espresso with nickle accents. (Cheapo laminate, but by the time they look cheap, I'll want something new anyway).

The bureaus were affordable, but the coordinating nightstands just seemed too pricey. Maybe I just have a problem spending a lot of money on something that will never hold more than a lamp, a book, and a box of kleenex.

So when I saw Lisa's (or was it Tanya's?) cute idea, I had to try it.

I found 2 beautiful silver-tone trays to make into nightstands. They coordinate perfectly with the nickle accents on the furniture.

But they don't "pop" against the white wall.

So. . . .I had to paint.

I had to. What is the point of making adorable bedside tables if they don't pop?

And, as long as I am painting the bedroom -- just an accent wall, mind you -- I probably should repaint the bath. And ditch the cheap stainless etagerie I put in there a few years ago. It was cute for about six months, then it rusted like a Chevette on blocks.

My bath has that faux-wainscot look -- sage about 3/4 up the wall, then cream on the top & ceiling. Cute, except I believed Dutch Boy when he promised "One Coat Coverage". So now, a few years later -- we need to repaint.

Maybe "need" is too strong a word.

But, as they say on HGTV, paint is cheap & easy to change.

The paint is cheap. The dropcloth, brushes, rollers, tray, primer and blue tape? Each item is cheap -- except the blue tape. I paid $7 for a roll of tape? I don't spend $7 on Greg's Valentine's gift.

As far as easy to change? It's not too difficult, if you don't look too closely at the finished project. That crisp blue-tape line? Don't know how they do it. Also, I can tell where I "cut in" and where I rolled. And my second coat may have missed a few spots.

Also, the tee shirt & cropped jeans I am wearing are now splattered with tiny blue splatters. I didn't like that look in the '80's -- I sure don't need to wear it now.

I haven't put the nightstands up. But it will have to wait until after Design on A Dime.