Just Not Ready Yet. . .

Dear Coke Zero --

About getting together on Easter -- I just can't.

I know it's been 2 months already.  But it's too soon.

You ask WHY I won't just be seen with you socially.  Well, my friends say that you aren't good for me.  You cause bloating and sugar cravings and weak bones.  I didn't want to hear it either, but there you go.

The sugar cravings are too your fault.

OK, so they haven't gone away in 2 months.  That is completely beside the point. 

It's not that I don't still love you.  Want you.  Crave you.  I do.  We both know it.

That's why I can't be with you at Easter.  I know everyone else will be around.  But you know what will happen.  It will start out casual, but before you know it, you will be in my mouth and. . . .

STOP.  I am NOT having this conversation with you.

Listen.  If at six months I haven't seen the changes I need, I'll consider coming back to you.

But until then I just can't see you.

Please stop calling out to me when I see you in public. It's embarrassing.

Respect me, OK?

Love

Fondly,

Mary

Day 3

And I am about to commit murder.

I gave up pop.

I drank my last Coke Zero on Monday evening.

I hid it in my bedroom so none of my kids could mooch any.

It was my last can of pop and I was NOT going to share.

I didn't give up caffeine.  I gave up pop.  Not just for lent.  I gave it up For Evah.

I don't drink pop for the caffeine.  I drink it for that fizzy burn that quiets some secret need like a forbidden lover.

I have a lifelong relationship with pop.  I started drinking diet pop when I was about 5.  That's when diet pop first began to emerge.  My mother assumed diet pop was good for us, as it didn't have any sugar.  The ads for diet pop showed beautiful girls in bathing suits enjoying a guilt-free treat.

Tab.  My first love.  One of the biggest treats we could have as kids was to drink a WHOLE BOTTLE OF POP.  That's 16 ounces.  In a glass bottle.  With saccharine.  In those days, the Coca-cola company collected empty bottles, sterilized them, then refilled them with the nectar of the gods.

By high school, I drank Tab out of a can.  My friend Dana and I would each have a can of Tab and a diet pill for lunch. Those were the days.

In College, I loved Diet Pepsi.  Then I moved to Diet Coke.  A few years ago, I found Coke Zero. 

I found my soul mate. 

Or so I thought.

I knew pop wasn't good for me.  I knew that the phosphorous was slowly dissolving my teeth and bones.  I knew that the artificial sweetener was fucking with my neurons and my metabolism.

I didn't care.  It had zero calories.

Why did I give it up?

I gave it up because we have 2 weeks left in the Tri-Mary Challenge, and I have been stuck on 244 like glue.

I need to get over this plateau.

What happens once the challenge is over (and another Mary wins)?

I'm not going back.  I know pop is bad for me.  It's an abusive relationship.  And I have to end it.

Me & pop are over.  No diet coke.  No regular coke.  No Sprite, Diet 7Up, no Diet Rite, no Coke Zero.  Nothing.

No "occasional" treat.  No "only on weekends".  No walking slowly down the pop aisle, no googling it, no stalking mutual friends on Facebook.

I don't drink, I don't smoke, and I don't cheat on my husband. Now that pop is gone, what vices are left to me?

I guess I still have swearing. 

Fuckin' A!

Another Stupid Article About Why We're All So Fat. . .

A friend sent me this article by Zinczenko & Goulding on the habits that make people fat.  Kinda like it.  Kinda hate it.  Mostly hate it.

Habits 1-4 are pretty standard.  Nothing too controversial.  Get enough sleep, don't eat the free chips at Mexican restaurants. 

I was excited to see that habit  # 5 - Drinking pop -- even diet pop -- is a fat-producing habit.  O.M.G.  This is so me I can't even believe it.  I have said this for ages.   I drink WAY too much pop.  I drink pop like my mom smokes cigarettes.  It's definitely a bad habit!

Habits 6,7,8. . .yada yada yada.

But then we get to habit 9 - Ordering Combo Meals.  This is the Happy Meal Debate all over again.  Ordering combo meals does not make you fat.  Eating combo meals makes you fat.  There is a difference.

Habit 10 - Facing the buffet.  Sigh.  Look -- I know that most buffets are filled with fat people.   But most fat people DO NOT GO TO BUFFETS.  Seriously.  We don't. You are beginning to piss me off.

Habits 11-15.  Nothing notable.

Then we get to Habit 16.

Having fat friends makes you fat.  

Wait -- WHAT?

So. . . my friend is fat because I am fat?  Or I am fat because she is fat?  What if she was fat when I met her?  Is it our other friend's fault?  WHAT?

Zinczenko & Goulding suggest "Rather than ditch a friend who starts to put on a few extra pounds though, suggest healthy activities that you can do together, and avoid letting him or her dictate the meal (“Let’s split the cheesecake!”) 

Nothing says "I'm your friend!" like judging someones eating.

What, exactly is "dictating the meal"?  "Hmmmmm. . .gee Michelle, I know you wanted the Buddha's Feast, but get the Kung Pao Chicken instead, OK?  I'll be your best friend!"

I notice that in order to give credence to this premise, they quote research in the New England Journal of Medicine.  Prestigious.  I went to the New England Journal of Medicine to read the research for myself. 

I found a synopsis of an article that I think they're using as data.  The NEJoM synopsis does not list friends as a contributing factor, but the full text might.  The full text of the article costs $15.  I didn't buy it since $15 is roughly the cost of 12 Coke Zeros (which are keeping me fat, damn them!).  If Zinczenko & Goulding used a different piece to justify their claim, I hope they will let me know.

I took stats last semester.  Zinczenko & Goulding claim that having fat friends "ups your chance of obesity by 57 percent."   If you look at the data in the NEJoM article, however, "other lifestyle factors associated with weight gain" are P<0.001.  That is a very very small number.  So my question is, 57% of what? 

Could Zinczenko & Goulding be using the NEJoM's prestigious data to shock, amaze or enrage their readers?  Look, I get it.  You sell diet books and you want to sell more of them.  By hurting and insulting fat people with your prestigious "research", you might be able to sell a few more. 

Yawn.