Dear Moms at my son's daycare:
Hi! I don't know if we've had a chance to meet, but I'm Paul's mom. No, not his grandma. I'm his mom.
I'm the mom without the tattoos.
First let me say -- your kid is a cutie. Paul really likes his friends. He was so happy to make valentines for each and every one of them. Also, he truly appreciated all the heart-shaped suckers, the dum-dums, and of course, the Hershey kisses.
The thing is. . . you forgot the conversation hearts.
I know you may be new at the whole Valentine's Day thing. Paul is my third child, so we've done Valentine's for a long time. I make sure to explain to my boys that Valentine's day is named for St. Valentine. I explain that he was a martyr, who died for Christ. We talk a lot about that as I go through the bags of Valentine's candy that they bring home from school. Valentine's day is actually about Jesus, and not about romantic love or candy.
Their dad emphasizes the point by waiting until the last minute to buy me a valentine gift. This year, it was a potted plant. I am pretty sure it was the last one at the store. So we talked about Christ's love, and how God loves every living thing, even really, really hideous potted plants that cost three times what they normally would have, on account of being purchased at the very last second.
It's a teachable moment.
Anyway, as I was setting aside the dum-dums and heart shaped suckers for the boys, and confiscating all the Hershey's kisses (they are a choking hazard), I noticed that you forgot the conversation hearts.
I am sure it was a mistake.
As you know, conversation hearts are a once-in-a-year candy, like candy canes, candy corn and of course cadbury cream eggs. It's important that they be included in every Valentine's celebration.
Plus, they have words on them, which is another teachable moment.
When else is my child going to read the word "hubba-hubba"?
You may ask why I didn't supply the hearts this year. That's a fair question, but remember that I am the mom who occasionally remembers to bring the napkins for the Halloween-Thanksgiving-Christmas-New Years-Martin Luther King day parties.
Normally, I would let it go, but I haven't had a can of pop in almost two weeks. I almost took up smoking as a substitute, but the cost of cigarettes is crazy. I need those fucking hearts.
So listen: St. Patricks Day is in a month. The kids are having a party. Put together some goodie bags with green jolly ranchers, chocolate coins and a king size box of sugar babies. We'll call it even.