Friday, April 29, 2011

Myth. Busted.

Since I have been working out at V-Fit, which is the worlds greatest fitness studio, I have come to enjoy -- yes, enjoy -- doing push-ups. 

They make me feel strong. 

I do the modified pushups.  The ones from my knees.  I love being on my knees. 

(Insert dirty joke here).

I was told many moons ago that the modified pushups are for women.  I don't know who told me that. Someone. And I believed them.

I am a woman.

Those are my pushups.  I can do a lot of them.  Like, 50.  In a row.

Women need the modification because of the angle of our hips to our ribcage along with our unique distribution of subcutaneous fat layers and the splay of our child-bearing pelvises. 

Or so I was told.

Or so I believed.

Then my workout friends Mary L, Maria D & Laurie L all shot that myth to hell because they can all do pushups from their toes.  The kind that men do.  The kind that MILITARY men (and women) do.

But Mary, Maria & Laurie are the really strong girls.  They are the ones who do things that make me say "No. Fucking. Way. "  They are out of my league.  Right?

Once again, Gabe coaxed excellence from my mediocrity. 

Today I did 15 pushups. FROM MY TOES. 

No.  Fucking.  Way.

So whoever told me that women can't do full pushups? 

You're wrong.

Thursday, April 28, 2011


Because I had my last baby at age 42, it's not a surprise that I am sometimes 20 (or more) years older than the other moms in his class.

One of his best friends has parents much younger than me.

They are intelligent.  Educated.  Interesting.  Tattooed. 

They have beautiful children and they are a lovely young family.  They are just covered from toenails to eyeballs in colorful, permanent designs.  With lots of piercings.  Both of them.  I don't know what they do for a living, but I am betting neither one of them is a banker.

I don't mean to sound like such an oldster. 

I am not anti-tattoo.  Not at all.  I may get one someday. 

I might need it sooner than later.

I was dropping #3 off at daycare.  I wore a skirt.  His little friend with the colorful mommy gave me a hug.  Then he poked me right above the knee and said "My mommy has a picture there too."

I looked at my knee to see what he was talking about.

That's not a picture, honey.

It's a varicose vein.


Tuesday, April 26, 2011

Annoying Threads

This post is not about clothes. 

I get annoyed at those threads that hang off your hem and tickle the back of your leg but you can never find them when you look. . . . but that's not exactly blog worthy.

E-mail threads aren't blog worthy either, but that's what I am writing about.

I was out of the office last week.

I returned to 276 e-mails.

At first I thought that the high volume of e-mails was due to my critically important job and the fact that I need to be "in the know" on several salient issues.

Then I figured out the high volume of calls was due to a disprortionate amount of dumb-asses who hit "REPLY ALL". 

Sometimes REPLY ALL is a valuable tool.  REPLY ALL is helpful when you need everyone on the thread to know something.

For example:

Original E-Mail (sent to 30 e-mail addresses):  "Can anyone cite the regulation mandating student fees?  I can't find it"

REPLY ALL:  "It's in the GIPWE, Chapter 3.  It also lists exceptions"  This is a very good use of REPLY ALL.

Most of my e-mails looked like this:

REPLY ALL: "Thanks"  (Poor use of REPLY ALL)

REPLY ALL: "I don't know where it is. Hope someone else does". (Very poor use of REPLY ALL.)

REPLY ALL:  "Hey Sender!  Did you know that someone parked in your space this morning?" (WTF use of REPLY ALL)

REPLY ALL: "I know -- I totally had to park in the handicapped space this morning! LOL!"  (WTF use of REPLY ALL plus one LOL infraction, plus Sender is an asshole for parking in a handicapped space.)

After getting through at least 80 REPLY ALLs, plus the weekday lunch menus, stupid chain jokes and the notice about the Kindergarten's Easter Party, I had about 30 real e-mails.

I am just not that important.

Friday, April 22, 2011

Uuuummmmm. . . .Thanks?

Hi all --

Back from a four day meeting in Austin! 

SO glad to be home.

I really like this particular group in Austin though.  The people there are SO affirming.  They were nice enough to notice that the white suit I was wearing was really baggy.  (Especially my friend Marta.  She is my favorite!  I mean, she is ONE OF my favorites!  Hi Deb!  Hi Kathy!)

And Gabe e-mailed me a workout I did in my hotel room.  It wasn't like having the REAL Gabe there, but it was better than nothing.

I asked my Austin friends their opinion on a comment made to me a couple of weeks ago.  I want to hear your opinion too.

I was at a meeting I attend every week.  Typically, I order lunch at this meeting.  Sometimes I have soup and a sandwich, but usually I have a cheeseburger and fries.  With a coke.  Yum. 

Yep.  You heard me.  I eat cheeseburgers.

I like 'em.

As many reps as Gabe makes me do every session?  I earned that damn cheeseburger. 

So anyway, I am sitting in the meeting, with my cheeseburger, and chatting with some of the other people. 

As we are chatting, a woman casually says "I was going to compliment you on how much weight you've lost, but then I saw what you are eating for lunch."

Blink. Blink.

What does one say to that?

Do I apologize for eating a cheeseburger in public?  Because people who are losing weight are not supposed to be eating cheeseburgers. 

I am not going to apologize for having lunch.

Do I say "Thanks"?

Do I say "Fuck off"?

I really wanted to say "Thanks.  Fuck off."  But I didn't.

I didn't know what to say.

I just looked at her, stupidly blinking, mouth slightly open, when fortunately, the meeting started and my attention was required elsewhere. 

So. .. if I had the moment to live over again. . .or (which is more likely) the next time she judges me for my choice of lunch. . .what do I say?

What would you say?

Thursday, April 14, 2011

Nine (9) Months

I have been working out since July 10, 2010. 

That's nine (9) months of Vic.  Nine (9) months of sweating.  Grunting.  Swearing.  Nine (9) months of making a fool out of myself and then running to my keyboard so I could tell you about it.

Nine (9) months ago, I couldn't have carried  my 34 lb child almost a mile.  Saturday, I did just that -- at the Naval Air Station Corpus Christi Airshow. 

Nine (9) months ago, I couldn't buy a sports bra anywhere but the plus size section of Lane Bryant.  Yesterday I bought an XL off the rack at Kohl's.  (Still can't buy belts, but bras?  Oh yeah.  My girls are shrinking)

Nine (9) months ago, an afternoon of pruning trees would render me useless for three days.  Sunday, I didn't even break a sweat.

Nine (9) months ago I didn't know Vic.  Or Gabe.  Or Ricky (sigh).  Or Mary L or Laurie L or the Other Laurie or Maria or Dana or Dee-Ann or Jesse or Liz or Lee or Rene or Tim or any of the awesome people that are now my V-Fit friends.  That's the best part.

I'm still fat.  I'm just not as fat as I was nine (9) months ago.  And I am a whole lot fitter.

Nine (9) months.

Tuesday, April 12, 2011

Unbelievable. That's all I got.

You know how a couple of years ago, people used to say "Oh no you DIH-INT" and snake their head from side to side?  You know how they acted all "New Jersey Ghetto" even though most of the people who said it were middle-aged white women from the suburbs?

I always hated that expression.  I never (rarely) used it.

I used it today.

I had to.

Read this.

I'll wait. 

Now.  Tell me I am not justified in using that tired, culturally inappropriate cliche.

Oh.  No.  They. DIH-INT!

Wednesday, April 6, 2011

Hey Councilman Leroy G. Comrie Jr.! LEAVE HAPPY MEALS ALONE!

They are doing it again.

Taking a Stand against Happy Meals. 

Because New York doesn't have other things to TAKE A STAND on.  Like violence against women (hello??? -- Girlz Gone Wild??? ), or drug addiction, or fiscal issues. 

Let's get the fat people.  Today my blog idol The Bitchy Waiter posted a well thought out (and funny) piece on this issue.  Read it, OK?

I posted a well thought out (and funny) piece three months ago. 

So, to reaffirm my position on this issue, I am re-posting The Happy Meal Debate, originally published on Thursday, January 6,  2011.


I wasn't going to make a statement about the whole Banning Happy Meals issue. Because you KNOW I wouldn't support that even if they gave me free fries for life.

First of all, I love McDonald's. Worked there for a summer in college -- had a blast. I grew up very near Hamburger U & believe me, I support their corporate culture.

Also, anyone who thinks Happy Meals promote childhood obesity has obviously never sat near a kid with a Happy Meal.

A few weeks ago, we went to the beach. (We live in South Texas and the beach in November is AWESOME!). Afterwards, we picked up lunch. A Quarter Pound of yummy for me, Greg & Joe (with fries and a real coke. MMMMMM), happy meals for the littles. Quality family time. With fries. But we were at the beach first. Running, swimming and playing. Very active.

Here is an example of my end of the conversation:

Me: Look, a Bakugan Toy! Good. Let's put it away until after lunch.

Me: I said AFTER lunch.


Me: I will throw that damn thing in the trash if you don't take a bite of your sandwich right now.

Me: Just eat three fries.

Me: Three.

Me. You asked for the nuggets, now eat them.

Me: He gets the cheeseburger because he asked for it. You asked for chicken, now eat it.

Me: No -- he cannot have your cheeseburger. You eat it.

Me: You don't have to eat all the fries. Just a few.

Me: I will eat the rest of the fries. Don't worry. Just take a few bites of chicken.

Me: Can't you eat the whole nugget?

Me: I told you AFTER lunch. You have to eat it. You can't just wait until we're done.

Me: Fine. But if you're hungry later, too bad.

See, kids don't eat Happy Meals. Some moms (like me) finish Happy Meals. So Happy Meals do not promote childhood obesity. They just make moms fatter.

THIS is what kids want to do with Happy Meals.

I rest my case.

Monday, April 4, 2011


Using the trusty Random Number Generator, Jan A wins the not-even-close-to-$100-gift-card from Starbucks!

Jan A -- e-mail me your contact info here!

Random Integer Generator

Here are your random numbers:


Timestamp: 2011-04-04 23:57:54 UTC

Thanks for playing!

Friday, April 1, 2011

Give Away Day!

We haven't done a giveaway lately, so let's do one now!

Winner will get a $100 gift card!



You ain't getting no $100 gift card.

Winner will get a gift card to Starbucks.  For much less than $100.

To win, simply comment below. 

I want to hear your favorite April Fool's joke. 

As usual, only comments on the blog will count.  Facebook & personal e-mails will not be counted.

Winner announced 4/4.

Make me laugh!