Fair Warning: this post is about a very crass subject. So if you don't want to read it, I understand. May I recommend Loose Leaf Writing, Annabel Manners or The Bitchy Waiter instead.
And if you read it anyway, (Mom), I don't want to hear about it.
I was recently in a ladies room. I had to pee.
Because in a ladies room, it is acceptable to:
2. Reapply Lipstick
3. Change into gym and/or going out clothes
It is NOT acceptable to
4. Fart. (unless you are CERTAIN it cannot be heard)
Poop is OK if you are under 6 and your mom is taking you to the ladies room.
Ladies rooms are not for taking a dump.
If you have to drop one, go home. YOUR home. Ladies never ever ever pollute an other's home.
I understand that these rules should be relaxed for certain ladies. Some visitors from other nations may not know the rules. Pregnant women are exempt, as are very senior citizens. (Mom, I know you're still reading. I mean senior citizens older than you. You can't go into a public restroom and drop a load).
I know all the women reading know this. I was just explaining to the men.
On the way home from work tonight, I popped into the ladies' to pee. A well dressed, 40ish woman was already there. She was applying lipstick, which, as I explained earlier, is perfectly acceptable.
We exchanged courtesies for a moment. Then we each headed for our stalls. We didn't take adjacent stalls, because it is against the rules to sit in adjacent stalls unless the bathroom is full. (I think even men have this rule).
It wasn't long before I heard a loud, wet squelching sound. Then a soft grunt. Then more sounds. Then water splashing.
Then I hear her get on her cell phone. Cell phones are still a grey area. Personally, I vote against talking on the cell while in the facilities. Especially when the call sounds like this:
"Hey". . .squelch. ."whatcha -- ungh -- doin'?" . . splash.
Oh. Mah. Gaw.
OH MY SWEET JE-AY-SUS- IN HEAVEN!!!!!!!
SHE KNEW I WAS IN THERE.
How could she not know the rules? She was clearly a middle income, middle aged AMERICAN woman. She wasn't even middle aged. She was my age! She had an i-phone for chrissake!
Could she not have at least waited until I left? Seriously -- how long would it have taken me? Pee, zip, wash hands. Two minutes. Five minutes tops. She can't hold it for five minutes before she stinks up the bathroom that I am using too?
What is this country coming to? We already have a sign in every restroom that says EMPLOYEES MUST WASH HANDS AFTER USING THE TOILET.
It's bad enough to have signs that say DO NOT FLUSH SANITARY PRODUCTS DOWN THE COMMODE.
Sometimes you even see that stupid rhyme: IF YOU SPRINKLE WHEN YOU TINKLE, PLEASE BE NEAT AND WIPE THE SEAT.
Do we have to post signs saying: LADIES DO NOT TAKE CRAPS IN PUBLIC BATHROOMS ESPECIALLY IF THERE IS SOMEONE ELSE IN HERE.
Mom -- I'm serious. Not a word. I mean it. I'll call you later.