Tuesday, July 31, 2012



I'm still fat.

And I'm still cursing a lot so if that bugs you, go back to checking facebook.

Because this is a cursing post.  I'm grumpy.

You've been warned,  so I don't fucking wanna hear it.

OK.  Still fat.

I'm eating clean (ish).  I'm not drinking pop. Or beer.  I'm working out.

Still fat.

Next step:  Portion control.


The fact is, that while I eat very healthy food, I still eat too much of it. 

Like there is such a thing as "too much" quinoa.  Whatevs.

So, I'm googling hints on portion control, because we ALL know this shit ain't gonna happen by itself.

That's when I noticed it.

I mean, I noticed it!

The exclamation point!  At the end of every hint! And it's fucking annoying!

Here is a sample of some of the" hints!" I read today:

1. At work, why not split take out with a buddy? At a restaurant, pack up half of your meal before you even start eating: Voila! You have an instant dinner!

2. Don't be embarrassed about asking for a child's meal. It's really no big deal. I've even got a trick for places that have a "12 and under sign" -- I order it to go and then plop right down in the dining room, eat my meal, and give the toy to a kid sitting nearby!

3. Eat when hungry and stop when satisfied or comfortably full. “Try to gauge when you are 80 percent full and stop there,” says Clifford. “There will be more food at the next meal or snack!

(Source -- just fucking google it.  This is not a term paper & I am not getting paid for this shit.  I didn't WRITE those tips. I admit it.  Good enough?)

I don't object to exclamation points per se.  Hell I TALK in exclamation points!  I write them all the time! I LIKE caps and punctuation for emphasis!

Except when I want facts and not hyperbole. i.e.:  Portion control: step 1: blah, step 2: blah blah, step 3: blah blah blah.

I don't need any cute PUNCTUATION!  I don't want to hear ". . .step 3: blah, blah, blah!" like they just came up with this fucking revelation that no one ever thought of.  Split take out with a buddy?!  I did.  And the fucking carrot cake was so good my BUDDY decided to get a slice of red velvet cake too!

I am ANNOYED! that exercising and eating clean and not drinking pop and doing what I am fucking supposed to be doing is not making me thin!  (that was a "!" for anger, not for cute).

I hoped google would have all the answers.

It doesn't.

I need to weigh and measure my food. 

Try to gauge when you are 80% full. . .. obviously written by someone who has never had a weight problem. If I could do that, dumbass, I wouldn't be fat!  (again, "!" for anger, not cute).

Next step, portion control.  Great.  I am so fucking happy.  Dammit! 


  1. Truth be told, the celery diet/ cabbage diet/ bubblegum coffee diet are the only ones proven effective in regards to portion control. order a kids portion!! fuck whoever wrote that... ....that's fine for people who don't get fat from smelling food. And where's the science in that, anyways? The last time that I ordered a "kids's meal" (minie-patty burger with fries, apples, and 10oz soda) it wa 1,200 calories. 1,200 calories! (not cute ex. point, ANGRY ex. point) My doctor seems to think that a meal for me (if I eat three meals a day, and healthy snacks) should be HALF OF THAT.

  2. You are too freakin' funny! This was the perfect way to start my day!

  3. "Try to gauge when you are 80% full. . .. obviously written by someone who has never had a weight problem. If I could do that, dumbass, I wouldn't be fat! (again, "!" for anger, not cute)."

    BRILLIANT! I completely agree. Hell, I had gastric bypass surgery and, although I am thinner, I'm still fat. It sucks!

  4. But, you are one beautiful lady.
    And that's not creepy because I live sooooo far away from you that we'll never meet.
    And that's good for you!!!!!!!!!!

  5. Hahaha. I first, I thought you wrote POISION CONTROL.

  6. Loved the 80% tip...not. Your response was sooo right. I can't gauge that either. I'd be a lot skinnier if I could! (exclamation point) :)

  7. I read this aloud to Derrick because I loved it so much. I really fucking love you, Mary. And I wish that people writing for women would grow some goddamn balls and write like adults, not like they're teaching a class of preschoolers.


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