Evil Twin? Just Evil.

I am not proud of myself for writing this.

I am not proud of myself for thinking it.

It's petty, insecure, catty and downright mean.

I am going to write it anyway.  And hope my mom doesn't read it because she would be ashamed of me.

I'm going to criticise someone's clothes.

Not someone famous.  In my opinion, if you are a "celeb", your fashion choices are fair game.  Don't like it?  Then quit your job.

The person I am going to criticize is a normal person.  Actually, I wouldn't call her normal.  I think she is one of the bitterest, angriest people I have met in a long time.  I have been her acquaintance for about 4 years, and she has ALWAYS been bitter and angry.  And she has always had horrible taste in clothes.

Let me paint you a picture.

This woman is probably in her 60's.  She doesn't color her hair.  She wears it in a very severe pageboy, which probably looked fine on her when she was 8.  At 60ish, it looks horrible.  She also doesn't wear makeup, but to be fair, she has lovely skin.  She's tall, and she's big.  I would put her at a size 26. 

Normally, I will  not criticize a plus size woman's clothes or style because I understand the challenges in buying stylish plus size clothes.  But she is so bitter and angry.  And mean.

Also, she doesn't like me.  She thinks I am a Pollyanna.  She actually used the word "Pollyanna". 

Of course, to someone as negative as her, even Bill O'Reilly is a Pollyanna. 

Also, she hates conservatives.  She said so.

She was a young woman in the 70's, when going natural was very "in".  She obviously doesn't care about being "in" any more. Why should she? She is in her 60's. When I am in my 60's, I will not care about being "in".  At least I am assuming that I won't care about it.  Who knows, maybe I will.  Regardless, I completely accept anyone -- especially someone in their 60's -- who doesn't care about being "in". 

I normally don't criticise her clothes because even though she is obnoxious, her lack of style isn't really of interest to me. But yesterday. O. M. G.


Yesterday, I went to a meeting and this big tall woman with the steel-grey pageboy was wearing a frilly (frilly!)  pepto-bismol pink top, pepto-pink pants and matching shoes and socks.  Pink.  PINK!  Really, really, really pink.  This on a person that seems to hate the color pink on principle. 

She looked like angry cotton candy. 

It occurred to me, as I was listening to her vent her spleen for the umpteenth time, that she and I are very alike, but very opposite.

We are both big, strong women.  We are both pretty bright.  We are both well educated. We are both readers.  We are both moms.  We are both forceful personalities.

It's just that we are so different: 

She hates change.  I thrive on it.
She is angry -- on purpose.  I'm not -- on purpose.
She is suspicious.  I am trusting.
She hates conservatives.  I am conservative.
She is a bitter atheist.  I am a joyful Catholic.
She doesn't care about style. I do.
She buys something because it fits, regardless that she looks like hell in it.  I will go naked rather than buy something unflattering.

I couldn't help but think that my violent reaction to her outfit says more about me than about her. 

Why does it bother me so much?

Are we more alike than I want to admit?  Are we secretly twins?  Am I looking at my future when I see her?

I hope not.

Please, God, anything but pink.

Scared Grasshopper

Remember when I started working out with Vic and I got kinda cocky and I'm all "I am going to run a 5K every month for a year!" ?

And I have *cough* "run" one 5 K a month since October 2010.

It's been great!  I've had lots of fun, got lots of T-Shirts and have beat my best more than once. 

This month is different.

This month is the 36th Annual Beach to Bay relay marathon.

I heard you gasp.   Don't worry -- It's a RELAY marathon.  I am not going to run it by myself. 

And that's what scares me to DEATH. 

I am running with five other people.  Five awesome people.  Our team is called Victor's Grasshoppers.  Isn't that a stooopid name?  I couldn't think of any other names.  I just kinda think of Victor as Master Po -- only not blind.  And we are like David Carradine. . .without the auto-erotic asphyxiation.  We're going to wear vivid green shirts.  And pink skorts.  Well, I am wearing a pink skort.  Don't know about the other guys.

I'm running the shortest. . .I mean first leg. 

Fear #1: Five other, awesome people are going to have to make up time for me.

It is the largest relay marathon in the US.  NO OTHER PLACE in our country has a marathon relay this big. 

Fear #2: What if I am SO SLOW that my relay partner gives up and goes home?

It's so big, we have to take a shuttle to the race.

Fear #3: What if I am so slow I miss the shuttle back home?

I am "running" the beach leg. 

Fear #4:  What if I am so slow that the Sexy Seniors running club kicks sand in my face as they pass me?

The beach leg is short, but it's on sand.  So it's challenging.

Fear #5: What if I am SO SLOW that the race is over by the time I pass the baton?

This Saturday, if you see a sweaty, sandy, slow, scared runner wearing a green T-Shirt and a pink skort -- that will be me.

True Colors

I love red.

I wear it a lot.

I also wear a lot of black, camel and navy.

Red, Black, Camel & Navy are classics.  Audrey Hepburn wore these colors.  So did Jackie Kennedy and Coco Chanel. 

Stopping by my local Macy's the other day, I perused the business wear section.  I always start with the sale racks.  Know what's in the size 20 section at Macy's?

Yellow suits.

Green suits.

Pink suits.

PINK SUITS.  Shell pink.  Not Rose.  Not Magenta. Not even Carnation Pink.  Shell Pink.  Exactly the color of my skin.  I should say, exactly the color of the skin that has never been exposed to the sun.  Shell Pink sounds so much nicer than "Mary's Ass Pink", don't you agree? 

Were I to don one of these suits, I would appear to be naked.  And not a good naked, either.

Could I find anything in black?  No. 

Navy?  No.

Camel?  No.

Red?  No.  Oh wait -- here's something. 

It has sequins on it. 

Since I am not a Vegas performer, I rarely wear sequins to work.  I looked at the label half expecting it to be from the Liberace line.  Sequins.

I found suits with lots of embroidery.  Us plus size girls LOVE to look like couch cushions, lemme tell ya!  We also like clothes with anchors embroidered on them.  It makes us feel nautical. 

It's not that the suits weren't nice.  They would be lovely on a 70 year old African American woman headed to church. 

The problem is, I need something for a 45 year old Irish American woman headed to work.

I have purchased these suits before.

One year, I found a very conservative skirt suit.  The cut was good -- shawl collar and straight skirt.  The skirt was black, the jacket was. . .Kelly green.  With a black collar and cuffs.  It was about $30, which is a good price for a fully lined suit. 

So I bought it.

I wore it.

I felt like Janet Reno. 

I looked like Janet Reno (without the wash & wear hair).

I gave the suit to Goodwill.

Some designers do create attractive, classic plus size clothes.  Talbot's has a gorgeous plus size line.  So does Jones of New York.  The problem is, I have Talbot's taste and a Target budget.

So if you see  me tooling around in a pink suit?

Shaddap.  I got it on sale.

matching shoes & clutch.  Oh yeah.