Tuesday, October 26, 2010

I Hate Wings

This post is for girls.

All the boys should go outside and play kickball with the Social Studies teacher. 

Are they gone?  Good.

I have "been a woman" since I was 11.

That means that Aunt Flo has been coming to my house every month for 33 years.  Well - 30, if you don't count the 3 times I was expecting.  And, I probably shouldn't count those.

30 years then.  30 years times 12 months equals 360 months.  I probably have about 10 more years to go before menopause.  That's another 120 months.  Considering the average cost of monthly products, I will have spent approximately $3,800.00 on Kotex before I am done.

Kotex, please, for $3,800 --  enough with the wings already.

I know they are supposed to keep your undies pristine.  What kind of undies do most of us wear during this special time, anyway?  Old granny panties.  With holes in them.  I could care less about pristine.  And after 3 C-Sections, pristine isn't happening for me anymore anyway. 

These friggin' wings are driving me nuts.  They don't stick where they are supposed to, they climb back up into the, uh, main compartment and get all tangled.  At least mine do. 

They actually have pads to wear with thongs.  Wow.  I have been known to wear thongs with certain outfits.  I can't even imagine wearing one during fright week.

I know that we've come a long way since the dark ages when women had to wear belts to keep their products in place.  That?  Would totally suck.

I know some of my post menopausal friends want to tell me to be grateful for this special time.  That it's nothing compared to menopause.  Well DON'T.  Irritibility is a common symptom. It says so right on the box of Pamprin.  I don't want to hear it.

I can't wait for menopause.  I know, I know. . hot flashes. I get 'em alreddy.  Night sweats.  Got 'em.  Panic attacks. Got 'em.  Increased facial hair.  Yep.  The only thing I don't have about menopause is the break from the curse.

I mean a break longer than 9 months.


  1. I had a hysto at age 49 (complete with ovaries removed). I went on hormones immediately afterwards. No hot flashes, no night sweats, no facial hair.(I did have a weight gain, however).
    I still use pads to keep me fresh and to make sure I don't have sudden urges. The best I have found are fresh Always ultra thin (long-super) with wings. I would be more than happy to give you some to try. Have a great day :-)

  2. Do you know what I hate even more than periods? SPOTTING. I could have my really nice underwear on, and bam, the spotting ninja strikes.

  3. Hysto at 35 - left my ovaries...peachy king or should I say "queen" ever since!! Got all the junk removed, kept the good stuff so I dont have to do hormones and get to have sex whenever i want!! yea hystos!!!

  4. Puberty came much later for me (15) Believe me, I was thankful for it, because I was really afraid something was wrong with me since I "hadn't become a woman" yet. It's weird how there's so much stress and uncertainty at that age just because our clocks all work differently. Unfortunately, I may be hitting menopause alot sooner than I wanted too. My cycles are all screwed up and I have nightsweats too. (and I am only 39.) I hear ya, I would dread the coming of that week for all the reasons you described. But now faced with the possibility of losing fertility, it makes me want regular cycles back along with all the crap that came with it. - Connie R

  5. I'm right there with you girlfriend. Fright week could go away and never come back as far as I'm concerned. And unfortunately back when AF first arrived (at barely age 12)I had to use the belted pads. They were HORRIBLE!!

  6. I lived through those dark ages when the belt was what you wore. I have been writing a book and I have a whole chapter on the subject of the "belt". OY - you could get hurt with one of those.

  7. One word: Mirena.

    I haven't had a period since Liza was born.

    TERRIBLE cramps the first month or so, but as the thing lasts five years, it's totally worth it!

    PS just caught up on all your posts. LOVE the blog, love the new look!


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